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My son died about 8 years ago in a motorcycle wreck.

To be honest his grandmother and I spoke about very briefly we both thought was suicide, he had just left a girlfriends house that had broken up with him. Ran into a bridge or a curve not sure doing 90 miles an hour they said, see I didn’t want to see the scene it happened the rest of the family went. I can remember at the hospital a friend of his meet me outside the emergency entrance, he couldn’t even speak he ran off when I asked him what was wrong? See I had been called and told I needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible my son had been in a wreck that was all, as I was walking in my step dad meet me said Ray your son was killed..

I said bull shit where is he see I was mad because the last time I saw him I told him he was going to kill himself on that damn motorcycle, he was much like I was when I was young 10 ft tall and bullet proof it was scary for me to see this.. I walked back to where everyone was I couldn’t believe it he really was gone. I showed no emotion everyone was hysterical, I stood alone away from everyone trying to grasp what was going on I couldn’t do it.

They said we could go back and see him I wasn’t understanding how this could be? I looked at him face was perfect that was my son for sure he was lifeless.. Can remember everyone hugging crying on each others shoulders.

I stayed to myself, see truth is I wasn’t a very good father when he was growing up, fact is I was doing drugs when he was born I went to the hospital when someone told me he was born and picked him out  at first glance I knew that was my baby. I was high felt guilty and I left never saying a word to anyone. See in my head was doing him a favor by staying out of his life was in and out of jail, hanging out with some pretty rough people will talk about later in my story. I didn’t think I would be around for long someone would for sure kill me or I would do it myself.

His mother and grandmother blamed me for his death, I am sure, but I blamed myself even more. At this time in my life was attempting to get sober again I would get a few years and self destruct it was getting too good time to be the scapegoat again the bad boy show my ass.. I was 7 years sober and was taking this really well everyone thought.

Thanksgiving came I laid on the couch and couldn’t get up till Christmas spent the holidays alone sleeping I just wanted out was consumed with guilt see my son was trying to out do his dads reputation I feel even today. That’s not what I wanted I told him please come to Alcoholics Anonymous get sober its the easier softer way. His mom and grandmother told him he didn’t need that go to church get saved you will be ok. I went so far as to tell his mom she was going to kill him if she didn’t listen to what I was saying.. I know she didn’t kill him today.. It was his time his mission was complete on earth.. I would find out soon my mission wasn’t complete. I was pissed at God how could he let this happen to me?? And I remember thinking why not to you?? who the hell am I?? I was pissed because I am here been shot in the head 2 times once in the hip, stabbed guns pulled on me contracts on my life motorcycle and car wrecks no telling what else God wouldn’t let me die I wanted to make a deal my son for my life.

I got off the couch went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting was Christmas night I think I felt ok I thought, came home and was taking some meds for headaches and thought ok I am checking out I am going to kill myself. began swallowing pills over 400 as best I know I took every pill in the house even 80 melatonin. Was feeling no pain actually I couldnt hardly see a friend texted me I texted her back but made no sense. She was concerned and tried to call I wouldnt answer she had never been to my house, but had sent me a Christmas card 2 years before. She called police told them she was worried last I remember are aliens with flashlights in my yard.

I was in a coma seizures back to back for 12 days I saw my guardian angel in that coma he kept popping up from the floor asking me if I was ok? I remember telling him to leave me alone he was getting on my nerves.. He had the head of a cartoon character and he stood in the corner of the room after that but would still ask if I was doing alright. I can remember my hospital bed rolling from the light to a dark corridor right in front of the elevators  they didn’t have numbers on the floors only up and down, I looked up at the dial and then my bed rolled back into the light where I came from, This I think was the jumping off place.

Long Story Short I Lived 

They let me go home and alone after the first time, I started thinking again I tried to overdose I felt so alone I was on my pity pot.. but instead of letting me go home they started sending me to the cazy house for 5 days and he Drs kept telling me I was Bi-Polar they had no doubt, I told them my son had just died I was heart broken. They didn’t seem to understand? They would let me go home and again I was back at the crazy house for trying to kill myself, for one I couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t die I was trying the best I knew someone would find me something would happen then I was back at the hospital tied to a bed till the crazy house had an opening.. This happened 5-7 times in a year..

Finally I made the decision I wouldn’t do it again I wont do it I told myself. 30 days later took 110 10 mg blue valium. A friend had tried to call me I wouldn’t answer they decided to come to my house I wouldn’t answer the door.. they opened it there I lay on my back on the couch blood running from my nose.. one eye open one eye closed they were red the blood vessels had burst in my eyes stayed red for 2 weeks.. at the hospital waiting to go to the nut house tied to a bed my mother and I argued she was tired of this I am sure, see she had to watch my animals while I was away and was getting resentful. The problem is I was realizing I couldn’t control it maybe the Drs were right. My mother left the room that day I told her do not mess with my rescues I had a small flock. They were all spade and neutered I had paid out of my own pocket, she took 8 to the animal shelter, they put them down after 3 days.

I was at the crazy house and ran in to a lady I used to work with when I was working as an outreach counselor she was so surprised to see me as a patient at a crazy house. I told her what they were telling me and she said well you probably are bi-polar. She worked for an inpatient program in Houston she was going to get me in if I was willing. Said it was 3 months long I said ok

I went they had classes 7 days a week we talked about our feelings and about our chemical imbalance. When I first got there the new people were asked to stand up and express why they were there, came my turn and I told my sad story and how I was trying to kill myself and couldn’t stop, that man said to me in front of 100 crazy people so you are on your pity pot? I was pissed he called me on my shit in front of everyone. I thought about it over night he was right i told him so the next day he was right.

In the mean time I am calling my mom asking about my pets she wouldn’t give me a direct answer but I felt was something not right I still called every night to ask how they were see I finally backed her into a corner she started lying wasn’t making sense said she had given them away to good homes but didn’t know who she had given them to, I started getting furious I started hammering her with questions she couldn’t answer. I was so mad and not understanding what was going on or how she could do this to me when I am trying to get my head together. She finally admitted that she took them to a shelter. I said what?? I told her go back they kill them after 3 days. I asked how long had it been she hung up. I spoke to my step dad, he said he had checked they all got adopted out? Here’s what I know they kill 50 cats and dogs a day at that shelter. I knew they were lying I have never been so mad in my life never!! I called a cab to take me to the bus station I was going to raise some hell when I got home. I smoked a cigarette and then another the next thing I know Taxi didn’t make it .. I hadn’t smoked in six years I had quit.

One Flew Over The Coos Coos Nest

my therapist said I needed a time out to cool off she was worried I would do something really stupid if I went home she hugged me I was hurting because I wasn’t able to protect them. I went to a really crazy place for 7 days to calm down taking meds that seemed to be working. But I was still pissed couldn’t believe my own mother would do that.. but you know why not? The story of my life

 I returned to DAPA and studied they would only keep me 2 months not the full 3 I knew I didn’t want to go to jail again I wanted to make sense of all this and learn about bi-polar. I learned that to manage this chemical imbalance one third medication, one third taking care of your self proper rest eating right working out etc. and one third talking to people I haven’t done very well at that but am currently trying this step.

learned that Einstein, Lincoln, Micheal Angelo, Plato ,Picasso were thought to be bi polar or have chemical imbalances, that people called them crazy and they were just crazy enough to get the job done not to put limitations on themselves as well very intelligent creative people. I also learned that if you focus we can do anything we set our minds to, we can make this work for us not against us. I am a survivor I am not sure why or how it just is, true story.

This being crazy on paper has opened so many doors for me I am learning about me at 52 years old.. See Einstein and the others are the ones who inspired me to step out of the box step away from that self destructive crazy man and be an artist to teach myself to weld, to be an artist I am not the best yet but I will be if I live long enough I will make it happen. Picture it in your mind what ever you want everyday and it will happen problem is I never wanted it bad enough today I do…

Today I accept my son is in a good place and is right where he should be and maybe some day we will see each other again, I am not mad maybe sad at times I do know this we all have a mission on earth then we can go, his was complete he touched so many lifes was a good kid, I do love him he knew that and I do miss him.

Life on Lifes Terms I cant change it so I accept

to be continued