My first love a short break from the insanity of home life. She wanted me had never felt wanted or loved we shared our dreams our desires at last felt loved. All I ever wanted from life, I guess that is all anyone wants is to be loved. In school was always obsessed drawing hearts and the word love. I don’t ever remember hearing it not directed at me. Much chaos in my home was no room for love. I learned to survive which would save my life many times as I got older.
My mother and step dad married I didn’t like the man was maybe 7 years old, I called him Jimmy he took me on the back porch and told me to call him dad I told him he wasn’t my dad I would call him Jimmy the first beating started then. Back then no one knew about abusing kids no one spoke of it, I thought it was normal. Taking beatings like a grown man, but I was but a little boy..
This is where I learned to be a scapegoat it was always my fault, my brother and sisters were little angels.. He would almost taunt me as if trying to make me feel less than hugging them loving on them that’s how it felt anyway. I was stuck out they were his favorites.
I can remember nights my brother and I standing in our underwear in our room, at the door but too scared to go out, our mother screaming yelling help me please he’s killing me, she as well was being beat like a man. Can Remember a night he was drunk we did come from the bedroom that night I watched as he put a 38 special against her head for some reason he pulled it away I think it misfires as he was messing with it all the bullets fell to the floor. Another night listening to her scream for help in the bathroom he broke her ribs. Jimmy owned a couple of clubs as well was a bookie he booked bets on sports he also loved the ladies and would partake of them. He was what they called themselves an outlaw mafia type Texas style sheriffs lawyers all walks of life placing bets with him but no one would say anything bad about him they were scared of what may happen.
Can remember being pulled out of bed by my leg or by the hair of my head when I was sound asleep, being beat with fist and kicked with cowboy boots for reasons I wasn’t sure, but wasn’t new to me had been going on for years. The only difference between the past and the present was getting feed up. Had started sleeping with 30/30 rifle beside my bed behind curtain I wanted to kill him had a large hunting knife under my pillow.
At 15 when I meet my first love I was a time bomb at this point in my life had found pot alcohol was really showing my ass. I knew I could take an ass whipping from a crazy drunk. I was self-destructive, scapegoat and was ready to prove him right, never amount to a thing because I was sorry lazy and no good. skipped most of ninth grade partying getting drunk on cherry vodka, MD 20/20 beer we were under age but wasn’t a problem to steal it was actually fun at the time, and was pot of course pills my favorite were black mollies speed.
All my life up til now felt lost didn’t fit in, with alcohol drugs didn’t care.. was finding out was very good at being bad.. had already made it to drug abuse program PDAP as well Drug Treatment.. I always knew my life was an adventure and would someday write a book, this is a story to help someone I hope maybe save them from making the mistakes I did, my story is all I have it makes me who I am, in the picture below I was finding my path everyone always looked up to me because I think was the craziest of all of them remember I feared nothing not even death to be continued